The Pursuit of Fulfillment

Since Tribe and Livejournal died,[cue sad music] I've pretty much stopped blogging. I keep trying to revive my blogging brain but with the endless leach of Facebook, it simply doesn't happen. But here I go again in what I hope is the start of something new..  Taking the time to keep a journal is making a commitment to the contemplative life. Though I feel I have continued to have a rich inner dialogue with my soul, I have kept that dialogue mainly to myself. Maybe I haven't wanted to reveal my inner dialogue to the world the last few years because it has been dark and stormy. That never stopped me before as many of my former blogging buddies can attest..but things have felt different. It hasn't just been my journal that has suffered, I've pulled away from many of friendships over the last few years. It is really only the most doggedly loyal and persistent of my friends that have stayed close to me during this otherwise barren and lonely desert trek through law school. Many other people that I care or an love .. have simply slipped through the cracks and for someone who considers the only true wealth that exists to be in the quality of one's relationships.. it is quite a blow. I hope in time after school ends, I will be able to slowly pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild intimacy with many of my loved ones. In some respect, my pulling away has been for them. I simply haven't had a lot of positive, insightful, witty, or otherwise interesting things to see. You see.. I've spent most of the last two years drowning in my immersion in the Academy.. wondering if some ritual-inspired delusions have led me off into the wilderness to die alone. [grin] Woe is me! hahahahaha!!! At least I haven't lost my flair for the melodramatic. Some things never change. 


Though winter is coming, it feels like spring in my heart. The crisp air feels invigorating instead of chilling.. a testament to have much of life depends on the perspective of one's heart.  But that too is a blind because sometimes life simply sucks.. and though there is truth in perceiving how perspective can alter and shape our moods. though there is wisdom in the stoic philosophy of old.. there are some things that still look garish even when seen through rose-tinted classes.. 

I'm an upswing state in my life right now.. with plans and dreams all looking within my grasp.... Though it is not all rainbows and moonbeams in my life..there is a sense of continuity, growth, and purpose. I'm in a flow state.. challenged but within zones I feel I can ultimately triumph in..   So what exactly changed? Is it a simply getting a J-O-B for after law school? That sense of someone picked me, valued me against a slew of thousands of candidates... or that sense of security that comes with not being paralyzed by the fear of being homeless, penniless, and jobless when I graduate?

In some ways yes and in some ways no. I was talking to a good friend of mine recently about motivation and success.. and she brought up a story of how when she has a success at work and gives her a energy and focus to keep working hard. In helping people combat depression, it is common practice to provide people with small and easily accomplishable goals (ex: make your bed, go to the post office). It helps people to overcome the inertia of depression and begin to see themselves as beings of agency and will. As one develops a greater sense of agency and capacity, one also develops and increasing sense of inner confidence and outer security in the world.

Opportunity + Work -> Accomplishment
Accomplishment + Coherent Personal Narrative - > Sense of Agency
Sense of Agency + Positive Future Outlook -> Happiness (Eudaimonia version)

Unfortunately, for many of us stuck establishing ourselves during the Great Recession.. a sense of agency has been missing. Without opportunity, no amount of work will create accomplishment and without accomplishment .. happiness for many is just another dream. I remember meeting one of the smartest and hardest working people I've met in Bodh Gaya. He was the only person I ever gave a significant amount of money to while I traveled. Born in a very poor family, unable to afford education.. he had gone to Calcutta to pursue a career in a factory and got deathly ill from the work and got fired.. after that he had been busily pursuing a series of startup businesses.. trying to help his family and pay for his sister to get a good education. It was and is a great injustice that someone like him has no opportunity to "make it in the world". Here in the first world, many people are experiencing that on a much lesser scale.. but we too are robbed of our sense of happiness.

Many of my friends have struggled and pursued advanced degrees.. and find themselves working dead-end jobs with little opportunity for advanced making $10-15 an hour...or found themselves laid off during the Great Recession and forced to take jobs doing virtually the same work for half the pay.

This is the reality of life for both Gen X and Gen Y. 

So we're learning to find our sense of accomplishment in other arenas.. we're creating our own opportunities outside the list society has given us .. we're making community-base projects of art, healing, and service..   When life gives you lemons..make lemonade..

And this returns to the concept of perspective. The pursuit of happiness can fail at any of these stages..  It is important to recognize which ones affect your sense of happiness.

If it is lack of opportunity.. how can you create your own opportunities to do the Work when there are no readily available ones for you?

If it is lack of Work - maybe it is time to find something you can contribute too...nothing gets someone more depressed than sitting at home all day bemoaning lack of $$/Job/Relationship..

If it is lack of Coherent Personal Narrative - maybe it is time to do some retreats.. some writing.. thins to help you perceive the themes and stories within your own life..

If it is lack of positive future outlook -- well fuck.. the world does look pretty damn dim at the moment.. so how do we fix that? There are tricks..perspectivizing.. if looking close in is getting you down.. move out..if the global outlook is getting you down..move in..  Focus on the revolution.. focus on the positive work.. focus on the things one can change.. and the visions that do exist that have some modicum of traction.. advances in medicine.. alternative energy.. etc.. create systems in your life where you are exposed to wondrous, inspiring, and thought-provoking stories and activities.. as global or small as you need.. ..    because all of these things create our sense of happiness in the world..

Yes.. I got a coveted J-O-B (in part thanks to luck and in part really fucking putting myself out there) and that gave me an opportunity which combined with what felt like many years of fruitless Work.. created a sense of accomplishment..but that was only one part of happiness.. I had to do the work of integrating my life's happenings into my personal narrative and to keep the engine running.. have to continue inspiring myself through the world.. so that my sense of "happiness" can fuel my life..  I feel I could have fallen back into the dark hole EVEN with that handy dandy accomplishment.. and I'm aware of that option at all times. so I am trying to stay ahead of it.. and am working on all parts of this equation.. to keep myself happy..

So far.. its working..

"I am