Perspectives and Transitions: Last day in the states

Despite months of preparation I find myself a day before leaving with a considerable todo list. It's not unmanageable or overwhelming (not when I rationally look at it anyhow) but its substantive enough that it will require staying active most of the day. What I really want more than anything is to sit in my home in my favorite Halloween owl pajamas, kiss the walls of my home, adore my eco-latex bed of wonders, and relax. I did my best to prepare as much as I could but with my mother being so ill the last several months, my time has been taken up by caretaking. Like usual, I know I'm being too hard on myself. It's a huge undertaking to balance parent caretaking, law school applications, and preparing for a RTW trip. When I speak with other people who have done major traveling like this, I realize that I am doing well in my preparations. Perspectives, it's all about perspective. Placing things in perspective seems to be one of my major life lessons these days. Our emotions so easily skew our vision of reality.

I've been thinking a lot around perspectives of poverty. I'm about to give myself that triple espresso rude awakening on global poverty that happens when one does international travel and that knowledge, albeit at this point only theoretical, has placed my own poverty in perspective. Let's face it, I'm pretty vocal around class awareness in my social circles. As one of the few people in the predominately white educated middle class social circle I reside in who comes from an ethnic impoverished background, I feel it’s my duty to speak up regarding the cultural divide. There are so many things the middle class (even the lower middle class) take for granted in regards to opportunity, comfort, and security that I feel compelled to bring up other narratives that illustrate a different experience. I think in my ghetto days, we'd call that "representin'". Like issues around race - it's easy when one is not in the affected group to think it doesn't matter. Class doesn't matter. Race doesn't matter. Gender doesn’t matter. All easy concepts when one is middle class, white, and male. These things do matter when you are affected by them on a regular basis. My friends will never understand what it was like getting in church lines on Sundays for bags of stale food that were donated and being told by my mother to be "grateful" for the two year old rice-a-roni someone dug out of the back of their closet to assuage their guilt on Christmas day.

I've been acutely aware of class since I was a child because they have been with me every day of my life. I acutely remember the feeling of lack that surrounded me as a child, from our struggles with keeping food on the table to my mom not being able to afford my p.e. gym shirt in middle grade and how I was put on p.e. "restriction" for most of the year and had to "walk the field" instead of participating in sports due to lack of money to afford the proper $20 shirt. There are lots of ways in which my friends have no idea what life is like for people in a lower class. I don't have a lot of friends from my socio-economic class these days because quite literally very few people break through  from one class to another and now I live in a world of Starbucks, philosophy clubs, and pedicures. 

The welfare class in America is wealthier than most of the world.

Though I may never have had vacations or a Nintendo (I am dating myself here) growing up, though I shopped in Kmart and Goodwill, I never had to worry about spending days without food. We always had plentiful rice and beans. I never had to worry about sleeping in a cardboard box or shanty. I never had to worry about having clean and clear water to drink or about having heat on cold nights. Medi-cal allowed me access to medical care when I needed it and education was free. Though my own life forced me into holding down a job at eleven, I had to do so with a fake id. Thank goodness for child labor laws. I never ended up working 15 hours a day in a toxic factory with dangerous machinery. There are so many things we take for granted in our culture because they are so ubiquitous we don't pay attention to them. We may theoretical know that we are "blessed" but I'm sure it really sinks into the core of our being in the visceral way that true knowledge does.

I feel this trip is going to allow me to place my little version of the universe into perspective and I'm looking forward to the culture shock. I'm looking forward to the increased gratitude for the things I take for granted and an increased felt awareness of the living conditions of the poor in countries not as wealthy as our own. It's fun to talk about traveling given I haven't done any yet. :: grin :: To me though this trip is a lot about the felt human experience. When you expose yourself to the sights, smells, tastes, and physical sensations of a different culture it allows your mind to build stronger and more lasting memories. With a bit of neuroscience, I hope I am imprinted with an even deeper daily conscious awareness of all that is happening each moment on this planet. I hope to be able to hold the whole world in my mind and have as accurate of a perspective as possible and I think this trip will help me with this goal.

Preparing for my journey

I sit here roasting Anaheim peppers for my family’s annual chili relleno Christmas breakfast and find myself contemplating the adventure that awaits me. A year and a half ago I realized although I had achieved success in my career as an accountant, the job didn’t bring me a sense of fulfillment. I had thought that I would simply focus my passion for making a difference in the world in my personal time. What I found was almost every hour of my life not taken by work was filled with an endless number of volunteer endeavors. Running myself ragged, I realized I needed to shift to a career that was fulfilling so all of me could be immersed in the Great Work. After deciding on and applying to law school, I decided to take some time off and go on my own version of “Eat, Pray, Love.” I came up with this crazy idea before I had heard of the book just in case anyone is wondering. Apparently, it’s the year for girl takes on world stories. ;)

Over the course of six months I will be visiting – India, Nepal, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Indonesia, Japan, China, Israel, Palestine, Turkey, Jordon, Greece, Italy, and Germany. During that time I will be doing a combination of humanitarian work, spiritual retreats, art immersions, intentional community visits, and traditional tourist adventuring. My friends and family have been asking me what I want to get out of this adventure and like everything else about me, it’s complex. I want a chance to experience the world unfettered by media distortion, to touch hearts with people from radically different backgrounds, and to walk in the footsteps of humanity’s evolution. I’ve specifically chosen several countries that are important to the six major world religions – Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Science(through its roots in philosophy in Greece). I’m hoping there is some wisdom out there that may aid my own late night philosophical contemplations

This trip is also about destroying stereotypes I may be holding unconsciously about the world and taking the time to perceive first-hand the ways in which America has both positively and negatively shaped other cultures. Beyond breaking down borders of culture, race, country, religion, and class; I’m doing this to break down borders in my own mind. We all have strengths and weaknesses that are unique and each of us brings something useful to the world. Some of the weaknesses I am intending to explore are my own emotional reactivity, physical organization, and tendency to worry. Some of the strengths I am intending to explore are my ingenuity, perseverance, and ability to connect with a wide variety of people..

Lastly, as the “poor girl” whose mom could never afford a vacation to Disneyland much less another country, I never thought in my wildest dreams that I might have this opportunity. To all the people who have also struggled, I want to say that it’s possible to go after your dreams and succeed no matter how hard it may appear in the moment. I don’t know what these new adventures will bring me yet but I trust that every time I follow my heart good things result. If there is any tag line that defines my life it’s this – Don’t Give Up and Keep Moving. We can re-invent ourselves in any moment. Next Sunday, I’ll be landing in Mumbai, India and I’m excited, scared, and oddly peaceful given the adventure that awaits. Mostly though, I am thankful for having such amazing friends as I wouldn’t be able to do it without their support. As difficult as my childhood was, my adult life is surrounded by love. I’m looking forward to sharing as much as I can through this blog so that we can all grow together.

Application Essay

I survived a childhood steeped in injustice. Coming from a place of striking incompleteness, I was drawn to what Carl Jung referred to as "The Great Work," the quest for personal and global wholeness. My passion for the Great Work combined with difficult childhood experiences, fashioned me into an adult deeply committed to fighting abuse, inequity, and oppression. There are moments of insight in our lives that define us: perfect, glimmering, golden moments where our strengths coalesce and we recognize just how powerful we can be. Sometimes we can catch glimpses of our future selves as if hidden patterns are made transparent, lending illumination of core essence, revealing truth of form. A life can be seen as a collection of these moments, a personality the culmination of its revealings.

One such moment occurred in the fifth grade when I first felt my strengths galvanize and my need to fight for justice take root. My school was upset that the city was using a nearby public reserve as a temporary trash dump and I was chosen as the school’s representative in an upcoming city council meeting. I felt a sense of public service that allowed me to go beyond the limits of my private life. I vividly remember getting out of bed early to photograph the trash and spending countless hours in the library researching city regulations and environmental toxicity data. Consumed with righteous intent, I pleaded my case and to my school’s great pride, we succeeded. In that moment, I realized an individual can make a tangible difference and discovered the key to transcending my own wounds – fighting for justice for others was a means of claiming justice for myself.

I grew up the daughter of an impoverished and neglectful single mother who brought home abusive boyfriends. My teachers, used to working with disinterested students, actively encouraged my studies. I graduated high school at thirteen, earning the nickname “Doogie Howser” amongst my friends. After graduation, my mother pushed me out of the house immediately putting my ingenuity and resourcefulness to the test. Raising myself was a difficult task and I often looked to philosophy to provide the foundations I didn’t receive through my family. Seeking wholeness, I devoured the words of great thinkers, finding kindred spirits in the library halls. It is from Socrates I gained my fondness of critical discourse and from Thoreau my love of the natural world. From Camus I gained my zeal for a self-created life, from Epictetus the discipline required to live life in accordance with my values, and from Mr. Rogers the greatest lesson of all – how to be a good neighbor.

My interest in environmental activism sharpened in college where I had the opportunity to do environmental justice research on airborne toxins in California schools at the Center for Justice, Tolerance, and Community. I remembered the industrial plants around the schools I attended, contemplated my own VOC (volatile organic compounds) exposure in the temporary classrooms of my childhood, and wondered about the long-term impacts on my health. I saw myself in the face of the children I was researching and saw an opportunity to make a difference in hundreds of thousands of lives by shaping public policy through applied research. I felt at home engaging in the quest to solve real-world problems through collaboration with agencies such as the Environmental Protection Agency and the Bay Area Healthy Air Coalition.

After college, I found myself unsure of the specific career path I wanted to take and decided to take a few years to explore myself and round out as an individual. I discovered the art of mosaics and fell in love with creating beauty from recycled and broken items. Learning how to create not only with my mind but also with my hands gave me a new sense of fullness to my earth-centered philosophical views. While I was working as a Big 4 public auditor I had the opportunity to work on the 2006 Apple Forensic Stock Option Investigation. It was here that I finally discovered my love for law as I participated in gathering evidence via interviews and computer searches. There was something real and tangibly fulfilling in the experience. I felt complete.

I had always felt a calling to make a positive impact in the world, but had questioned the means given the world seemed filled with so many pressing problems. Though I felt engaged and active in the Great Work, I found myself searching for where my skills and talents would be best utilized. I discovered the answer was with me crystallized as a singular memory of that childhood experience. Law was the place where all of my talents and passions converged. My first “case” captured an essential truth of my being: my love of complex systems, enjoyment of project-oriented work, and passion for language all led me to realize that law was the right path for me.

I will always be in action: translating and distilling idealistic philosophies and practical scientific research into understandable truths which become the means of creating realistic and progressive change in the world. Serving as an advocate for truth and justice has been, and always will be, my Great Work. Over twenty years later, I look back to that first full-throated shout of my life's calling, to my passion for protecting the underdog. I feel ready to engage in the next step of my Great Work, where I can take all my skills and talents and bring them fully to bear in making the world a better place for all the children that reside within it.

Thank you for listening to my story. I look forward to bringing my passion for justice to the U.C. Berkeley.

Diversity Essay

I call it Sub Rosa as hidden within its layers are many secrets. Fashioned from earth and tears, the rose stands tall, like the young girl I once was.  Seated at a work bench in my garden, surrounded by rosemary and peppers, sunlight warming my toffee-colored skin, I hold the hammer high and the scarlet tile breaks.  Gently, I press a shard into an outer petal of the clay form.  The rose is red and white, a blend of suffering and courage, hope and healing.  Like me, the rose is both, crimson tears and rays of light.  My story is about the interplay of passion and illumination, fierce engagement with life coupled with an inviolate beatific vision of a better world.  The bud emerged in the fertile soil of a difficult childhood, blossomed through many adventures, and reached full bloom in a lifetime dedicated to public service.  It is the fruit of this journey that I wish to bring to the entering class.

A $5 food stamp, a rosary for the church ladies who gave us food, a magazine clipping of a pre-teen model complete with a leather skirt, puckered red lips, and bedroom eyes, a few pages from “The Myth of Sisyphus”, and a picture of my mother with a jug of wine.  I carefully arrange each piece on an outer petal.  I can laugh about it now but I remember when my mother would bring us to bars where we would eat happy hour snacks while she spent our dinner money on alcohol.  Too drunk to drive, she would hold me on her lap so I could steer us home.  We received both welfare and Section 8 but never escaped deplorable living conditions.  Though my childhood was marked by parental neglect, poverty, and sexual abuse, none of these circumstances held me back.  Instead, they instilled me with compassion and sharpened my passion for justice and equality.  I graduated high school, bright and determined, at thirteen, an unexpected accomplishment given I was the first member of my extended family to receive a high school diploma.  I went against family tradition when I pursued higher education, as my family assumed I would be trapped in the same cycle of poverty as them and eke out a meager existence in service jobs.

            Born from a German-Mexican father and an Italian mother, I didn’t feel a sense of belonging in any of the communities I came from.  This feeling of isolation compelled me to look outside race and ethnicity to find a sense of connection and community.  In that search I discovered the concept of the global citizen.  As a global citizen, I was connected to everyone and my responsibilities lay in considering the impact of all my actions on the world at large.  My country is the world, my goal to make the world better for every living creature.  My art often explores this concept and for the last several years I have been successfully orchestrating a national 100+ person team that produces an annual large-scale interactive public art exhibit to inspire individuals to be active global citizens. 

This sense of community with other global citizens has empowered me throughout my life.  Smiling, I remember the many faces I have worn over the years as I grew into my own power, touching each symbol of my journey: A picture of the New York Stock Exchange, the cover page of Pacific Gas & Electric’s 10k, various business cards over the years, a pearl earring, and a spiral of buttons from my first grey silk suit.  As a re-entry student with over a decade of working in finance, I have been a Public Auditor at a Big 4 CPA firm, a regulatory and SEC analyst at a large utility company, a finance analyst for a Silicon Valley tech company, a financial advisor, and a project manager. 

There are two petals in Sub Rosa that explore my empowerment as a woman and a member of the LGBTI community.  Early experiences as a victim of childhood sexual abuse incited a life-long dedication and zeal towards women’s advocacy work.  Though I have organized many events over the years to enrich local women’s networks, some of my fondest memories come from the fellowship I experienced organizing “Take Back the Night” marches, facilitating women’s healing through ongoing empowerment retreats, and acting as a rape crisis line counselor.  One petal stands out, neither red nor white, but rainbow.  Coming into my own as a bisexual member of the LGBTI community was easier than many people’s experience as I was lucky and born in San Francisco.  I have been active in LGBTI events since I was a teenager, planning community events and participating as support staff for the annual LGBTI parade.  As I circle around the rose, the central petals which give witness to my healing, also tells of my labors in the transhumanist, green, and social justice movements. 

            Given the details of my childhood, one might envision me a continued recipient of food stamps, possibly in an abusive relationship, or even ending up on the streets. I have defied the odds.  The story of the rose is my story.  A story of a child who never lost sight of her star, an artist who thinks outside traditional boundaries and a woman committed to a life of public service.  The stamens are crafted of mirror and metal, reflecting the sun, resplendent and dazzling.  Each stamen is a lesson learned and power embodied: initiative, perseverance, empathy, perspicacity, and clear vision.  The pistil, round and full, sits at the core of the rose and nurtures my future self as a lawyer, artist, and activist.  In full bloom, I have harnessed the power of my experience and can now bring that to fruit in the study and practice of law.