Optimal Living, part One.. the pursuit of Pleasure

The definition of optimal is "best or most favorable". How do we live our best lives? What is favorable to one person is not favorable to another. So though it is easy to conjure up images of money, family, good works, vacations, personal fitness, life-long learning, beautiful home, etc; what these mean to each person will wildly vary. So perhaps its best not to talk about outcomes at all in a universal way but instead to focus on how we've felt when we've been the happiest in our lives.

Positive Psychology breaks down happiness into 3 areas: pleasure, engagement, and meaning.

Pleasure is what we think it is.. the momentary moments of joy throughout a day. It can come in the form of viewing beautiful art, taking a walk at sunset, a hug from a friend, a good meal.. What is pleasurable to one person is not necessarily pleasurable to another in the same degree. Discovering that which makes you feel joyous and alive is for many a lifelong quest in and of itself. Unfortunately, our connection and knowledge of our pleasure centers is often completely occluded by societal conditioning. We are constantly overwhelmed with media that tells us what to value. We are told what foods we are supposed to want to eat, what movies we are supposed to want to watch, who we are supposed to find attractive... The list is endless.

Many people spend their entire lives seeking out what appears pleasurable on TV without ever being in touch with how any particular activity makes them feel inside. Even those seeker of self-knowledge out there can't fully escape the claws of social conditioning. For instance - if you look at your life you might find yourself repeating a certain activity that doesn't actually bring you joy but is highly valued in society as something that does. For instance, you may choose to eat pizza regularly despite not relishing it or you may go out to clubs even though you don't love to do so.. We do these things again and again because we've been told that this is what "fun" is.

I remember an old friend of mine, Alison Harlow, once told me that when she taught magickal students her first question is what makes you feel most alive? That the bulk of work in the beginning of spiritual practice is figuring out this central question as within lie clues to one's true self. I have been exploring fitness-oriented activities recently and have discovered all sorts of things about myself. For instance, I really enjoy tennis but just don't like yoga. It is hard to admit I don't like hatha yoga (I love some other forms of yoga like pranyama and mantra but i'm talking about good ole fashion asana land here) because the world tells me yoga is wonderful. I'm "supposed" to like it. In fact, I can't help battling a feeling of deficiency in myself, a fear that something must be wrong with me to not enjoy this thing that so many love with all their hearts. After numerous attempts at finding pleasure in yoga, I find I'm still returning to it. Waiting for the perfect conditions that will make me feel like all these other people seem to feel. Recently, I've started to wonder if I should keep trying to do this thing that I really don't enjoy just because I've been told its good for me. What is good about yoga is mindfulness, body awareness, core conditioning, and flexibility. Surely, an enterprising person such as myself could figure out a way to get at these things doing something that is fun? Right?  Generally, if we move past the behavior or thing to what we are hoping to get out of it, there are many creative solutions available to us.

Sometimes though, the answer is no. For instance, I'm in law school which is decidedly not a fun activity but it is the only activity that will allow me to practice law. In those instances, where I cannot find an alternate method of attainment, I have to try to find as much pleasure as I can during the pursuit of something that is decidedly unpleasurable. A law buddy of mine told me once she spent meticulous amounts of time coming up with great outfits each day for school because it changed her feeling while at school and gave her pleasure to wear something special and unique. She found a way to pair something she really enjoyed with something she didn't so that overall her experience of the thing she didn't enjoy was better. A common example is putting on your favorite music while you do your chores.

The exploration of pleasure can take many forms. Many philosophers have attempted to categorize various types of pleasure. The anthropologist Lionel Tiger divided pleasure into four categories: physical (sensory), social (social interaction), psychological (cognitive and emotional reactions such as when reading a good book), and ideological (when we are exposed to stimuli which reinforces our ideological beliefs). Sometimes it is good to make one's own list of categories and explore each area fully. Though this process can take a long time, it is shall we say quite pleasurable and not work at all. :D Someone exploring the pleasure of sexuality might experiment with the many forms of sexuality available to them to see what they really enjoy or an intellectual pursuit of pleasure can entail many different types of learning and analytical activities. Whether it be sexual, creative, social, or intellectual... it is good to explore all the different categories fully as it allows one an expanded conception of self..

I have in my discussion of pleasure hinted at both meaning and engagement. For instance, the process of exploring one's pleasures fully brings one a sense of engagement and increased the felt experience of happiness. One may ask why attend law school at all if it is unpleasurable? But attending law school, outside of providing  the long-term pleasure (as opposed to immediate pleasure) of having the funds to do things I want to do and be intellectually challenged at work, also provides a sense of meaning and purpose..  All three of these qualities work together and are needed for a deep feeling of internal wellness/happiness.

If one pursues pleasure at the expense of engagement and meaning, it can become addiction and blind hedonism. Pleasure itself is by definition ephemeral moment of joy and happiness and many people get stuck pursuing fix after fix..whether its the runners high, sex, drugs, or the accumulation of wealth.  In keeping pleasure in relationship to engagement and meaning, we moderate our pleasure-seeking tendencies by things that provide us deeper feeling of satisfaction.

Clearly, this short morning contemplation is not a complete offering on the nature of pleasure.. just a taste to wet your appetite.. ;)

If you are interested in reading more about Pleasure, I recommend this great article on pleasure from one of my favorite places on the internets - the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.

Enjoy Life! Some morning inspirational music!

The Pursuit of Fulfillment

Since Tribe and Livejournal died,[cue sad music] I've pretty much stopped blogging. I keep trying to revive my blogging brain but with the endless leach of Facebook, it simply doesn't happen. But here I go again in what I hope is the start of something new..  Taking the time to keep a journal is making a commitment to the contemplative life. Though I feel I have continued to have a rich inner dialogue with my soul, I have kept that dialogue mainly to myself. Maybe I haven't wanted to reveal my inner dialogue to the world the last few years because it has been dark and stormy. That never stopped me before as many of my former blogging buddies can attest..but things have felt different. It hasn't just been my journal that has suffered, I've pulled away from many of friendships over the last few years. It is really only the most doggedly loyal and persistent of my friends that have stayed close to me during this otherwise barren and lonely desert trek through law school. Many other people that I care or an love .. have simply slipped through the cracks and for someone who considers the only true wealth that exists to be in the quality of one's relationships.. it is quite a blow. I hope in time after school ends, I will be able to slowly pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild intimacy with many of my loved ones. In some respect, my pulling away has been for them. I simply haven't had a lot of positive, insightful, witty, or otherwise interesting things to see. You see.. I've spent most of the last two years drowning in my immersion in the Academy.. wondering if some ritual-inspired delusions have led me off into the wilderness to die alone. [grin] Woe is me! hahahahaha!!! At least I haven't lost my flair for the melodramatic. Some things never change. 


Though winter is coming, it feels like spring in my heart. The crisp air feels invigorating instead of chilling.. a testament to have much of life depends on the perspective of one's heart.  But that too is a blind because sometimes life simply sucks.. and though there is truth in perceiving how perspective can alter and shape our moods. though there is wisdom in the stoic philosophy of old.. there are some things that still look garish even when seen through rose-tinted classes.. 

I'm an upswing state in my life right now.. with plans and dreams all looking within my grasp.... Though it is not all rainbows and moonbeams in my life..there is a sense of continuity, growth, and purpose. I'm in a flow state.. challenged but within zones I feel I can ultimately triumph in..   So what exactly changed? Is it a simply getting a J-O-B for after law school? That sense of someone picked me, valued me against a slew of thousands of candidates... or that sense of security that comes with not being paralyzed by the fear of being homeless, penniless, and jobless when I graduate?

In some ways yes and in some ways no. I was talking to a good friend of mine recently about motivation and success.. and she brought up a story of how when she has a success at work and gives her a energy and focus to keep working hard. In helping people combat depression, it is common practice to provide people with small and easily accomplishable goals (ex: make your bed, go to the post office). It helps people to overcome the inertia of depression and begin to see themselves as beings of agency and will. As one develops a greater sense of agency and capacity, one also develops and increasing sense of inner confidence and outer security in the world.

Opportunity + Work -> Accomplishment
Accomplishment + Coherent Personal Narrative - > Sense of Agency
Sense of Agency + Positive Future Outlook -> Happiness (Eudaimonia version)

Unfortunately, for many of us stuck establishing ourselves during the Great Recession.. a sense of agency has been missing. Without opportunity, no amount of work will create accomplishment and without accomplishment .. happiness for many is just another dream. I remember meeting one of the smartest and hardest working people I've met in Bodh Gaya. He was the only person I ever gave a significant amount of money to while I traveled. Born in a very poor family, unable to afford education.. he had gone to Calcutta to pursue a career in a factory and got deathly ill from the work and got fired.. after that he had been busily pursuing a series of startup businesses.. trying to help his family and pay for his sister to get a good education. It was and is a great injustice that someone like him has no opportunity to "make it in the world". Here in the first world, many people are experiencing that on a much lesser scale.. but we too are robbed of our sense of happiness.

Many of my friends have struggled and pursued advanced degrees.. and find themselves working dead-end jobs with little opportunity for advanced making $10-15 an hour...or found themselves laid off during the Great Recession and forced to take jobs doing virtually the same work for half the pay.

This is the reality of life for both Gen X and Gen Y. 

So we're learning to find our sense of accomplishment in other arenas.. we're creating our own opportunities outside the list society has given us .. we're making community-base projects of art, healing, and service..   When life gives you lemons..make lemonade..

And this returns to the concept of perspective. The pursuit of happiness can fail at any of these stages..  It is important to recognize which ones affect your sense of happiness.

If it is lack of opportunity.. how can you create your own opportunities to do the Work when there are no readily available ones for you?

If it is lack of Work - maybe it is time to find something you can contribute too...nothing gets someone more depressed than sitting at home all day bemoaning lack of $$/Job/Relationship..

If it is lack of Coherent Personal Narrative - maybe it is time to do some retreats.. some writing.. thins to help you perceive the themes and stories within your own life..

If it is lack of positive future outlook -- well fuck.. the world does look pretty damn dim at the moment.. so how do we fix that? There are tricks..perspectivizing.. if looking close in is getting you down.. move out..if the global outlook is getting you down..move in..  Focus on the revolution.. focus on the positive work.. focus on the things one can change.. and the visions that do exist that have some modicum of traction.. advances in medicine.. alternative energy.. etc.. create systems in your life where you are exposed to wondrous, inspiring, and thought-provoking stories and activities.. as global or small as you need.. ..    because all of these things create our sense of happiness in the world..

Yes.. I got a coveted J-O-B (in part thanks to luck and in part really fucking putting myself out there) and that gave me an opportunity which combined with what felt like many years of fruitless Work.. created a sense of accomplishment..but that was only one part of happiness.. I had to do the work of integrating my life's happenings into my personal narrative and to keep the engine running.. have to continue inspiring myself through the world.. so that my sense of "happiness" can fuel my life..  I feel I could have fallen back into the dark hole EVEN with that handy dandy accomplishment.. and I'm aware of that option at all times. so I am trying to stay ahead of it.. and am working on all parts of this equation.. to keep myself happy..

So far.. its working..

"I am

Reviving my blog! Enlightened Now!

So I spent a decade on livejournal but it appears to be critically endangered species so it makes sense to choose an alternate forum. When I returned from my big six-month backpacking trip, I found my processes were more internally focused and I wasn't getting what I used to out of writing so I simply stopped writing. It's been seven months since I returned form my 'Awesome Asian Adventure' and I am starting to feel the urge to think and dialogue with others in a more deep and coherent way then can happen in our ADHD facebook twitter universe.

I haven't decided what I am going to write about yet.. it may be a hodge podge of politics, health, religion, psychology, and omphalokepsis. In short, not too different from prior years writing. I am hoping to spend more time writing coherent articles then I have in the past. Though I enjoy my thought trail windy curly writing explorations, I feel I can better express myself sometimes by being more pointed, direct, and succinct. These two voices will need to battle it out on this blog so that it represents my interior world as accurately as possible. But why start with all that totally edited refined posting now? hahahaha Of course a blog can't really represent my interior world and if it could, I don't know if I would be inviting anyone over for tea.

I do, however, have a beautiful ivory castle that I created for myself when I was just a child. It has a thousand rooms and its only accessible by a mystical boat. In it are all sorts of wonders and horrors and secret places. But it's not quite the place to have tea with new friends. It's surrounded by mist and I doubt you could find it. :: smiles ::  Instead, I am inviting you to step into my new world here. In the crazy world of becoming, I have shifted so much these last two years that I have at times felt at odds with my past and know that I've grown apart from many of my closest and more dear friends. In the crazy world of being, I am simply me..Veleda..the same Veleda that has always existed and always will. Despite being me, my entire universe has shifted these last two years and I expect this pace of change to continue for quite awhile. I look different, my lifestyle is different, my interests have broadened, and just generally I manifest in the world with a different presence.

Sometimes I feel alien to myself. You shoot for the moon and sometimes you land there and realize it looks different than you envisioned when you saw it in the telescope. My life in many ways is much more boring than it was a few years ago. Part of the beauty of having a clear path is you don't have to debate which direction to go all the time. Oh..there are eddies and cross-currents and little side trips galore but I pretty much in any given moment know what I am doing and where my compass is pointing. (This too shall pass I am sure.) I don't have to know the ultimate location, I simply have to check my compass all the time to know that I am walking the right direction. The rest is trust, surrender, and mystery. NOW is the place where Will meets Love, where Intention meets Surrender, where Geburah meets Chesed. It is only in our present that we can manifest True Will.

The Book of the Law states "Pure will unassuaged of purpose delivered from lust of result, is every way perfect." To me "lust of result" implies not being in the present. I find the greastest freedom of movement arises when I am willing to let the chips fall where the will and simply pursue my Great Work in the moment. This lack of attachment allows me to see more clearly and rapidly adjust my course as needed regardless of how fast I am moving. Trusting that as long as I am doing this, though my path may be rocky or smooth, things will ultimately work out. This tension between Intention and Surrender IS where IT is at. My grandma always says, "Trust God, Tether your camel" and grandma is always right. Do what is necessary in the moment to further your Will and leave it at that.

There is another part of me that looks at this writing and says what a crock of bullshit, you are the Queen of long-range plans Veleda. Get off your soapbox! And well she has a point. Four years ago I said - I want to be more artistic, I want to be more political, I want to be more calm, I want to change my career, I want to lose weight, I want to know how to keep my house clean and pay my bills on time....I want ..I want..  I had an idea of who I wanted to be, a glimpse of a future of me that I yearned to manifest in the NOW. I started thinking of all these desires and wondered why I had had so many for so long that were not moving forward. I wanted Enlightenment NOW goddamit..not in another decade. So I was like well, if i was enlightened NOW, its not as if my entire life would magickally poof and everything wouuld be perfect. But what would change if I was already enlightened? How would I move in the world differently? And so I began this plan to 'fake it till I made it', to live the life of an illuminated being until my life and I were fully illumined. I thought if I could just take it day by day and simply try to express my deep self  however it currently exists in my head..and remain open for my view of that to change on a dime..I wouldn't go too far off course..

If the truest expression of my being is to go to law school, then each day I move that forward as far as I can AND if one day I wake up and I no longer feel its 'me', well I take a few days and focus on the many other things that do feel like "me" and test it again and if it still doesn't feel right, maybe I focus completely on these other things and return again in a longer time and then if it still isn't right then maybe I don't return to it. What I found was that a lot of things fell away and some things because extra stickty.. but still.. we live in a material world and I am a material girl..  but not quite like the Madonna song. :: wink :: We live on the Earth and in our Bodies and ignoring this fact has caused us much damage as a species. Our universe is boundaried by time and space and we are also bounded by our cognitive processes, genetics, environment, and physical health.

Living the life of an illumined being requires accepting this fundamental fact.
Acceptance of this fact is what seperates adults from children.

This is not to say that we can't push the edges, but until we're light beings there are some physical laws and social requirements we must follow to continue to exist and there are limitations due to these laws.

An old and dear friend of mine Michael Sanborn introduced me to this concept called "Waking Down in Mutuality" back in 2001. I pretty much assimilated it immediately and prefer it as a whole to the concept of 'enlightenment'. Now I never attended a meeting by this group so can't speak to them at all but, conceptually it simply works. The general theory is that the entire rhetoric around enlightenment is completely off-base and promotes hierarchical and disconnected views of spiritual attainment. Instead of waking up what we really need to do is 'wake down' as in recognize that we live in a contextual, inter-dependent, physical, boundaried, and social universe and that whatever system of 'attainment' we choose to follow should do so within this broader understanding. You can go ahead and read up on them if you wish but the general idea is the..there are a lot of good gems in what they do like "Waking Down in Mutuality is democratic, warmly humane, pragmatic, experiential, and "sticky." We are human beings living on planet Earth with other human beings and TONS of other other beings and other life. Whatever solutions we have are going to come through working together in mutuality and that is the first thing we need to wake up/down to. This is the root upon which all things are built from. Thinking of 'enlightenment' in this way removes the bad 'ego' form the picture.



There are lots of limitations that keep us from living life as an illumined being so I had to wrap my head around some of these things to figure out how to get around them. Things like external events, time, resources, predispositions, etc. I think I will take each one in turn and talk about it in a post..

NEXT POST TEASER..

Problem: the world is a harsh mistress and constantly throwing curveballs, heartache, and insanity at ones foot.
Solution: Be a Honey Badger or as Epictectus puts it "Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions"

Maduari - the Kali and Gandhi Tango

Today has been a fantastic day. After a week of super budget hotels, I treated myself to two days at a $30 mid-range hotel. Its amazing what seems deluxe when you're backpacking India. A/C, some soap, sheets, and no roaches. I think I've died and gone to heaven. I had been feeling a litle sick after two weeks of traveling and am happy I decided to take care of myself. Though the place is kind of like Motel 6 quality, tonight it feels like the Ritz. Perspective shifts like these are one of the things I love about traveling.

This morning I went to the main temple in Madurai - Sri Meenaskshhi Temple, a 6 hectar temple complex that stands tall over the acient bustling city of 1.2 million people. The Temple is amazingly well-kept and colorful. Though the fish-eyed consort of Shiva resides at the center, there are altars to many deities in the halls making it somewhat of a Pantheon f sorts. Hindus from all proclivities gather there and worship the deities of their choice. I found my first Altar and Kali statue here covered in red sandalwood, holding her trident. I knelt before the temple and again prayed for help on the path of enlightenment. Chanting - Krim Hum, Krim Hum. I asked for her to manifest for me as the benevolent mother and gently cut away those obstacles prohibiting me from being a realized being performing my Great Work in the world. My heart and mind filled with aspiration as I thought of my entrance to law school next year and all that I want to do in the world. I prayed that I be truly ready by this August. Sitting before the red-hued Goddess the destructive forces of the universe who leaves slayed demons in her wake, i felt ready to give up all parts of myself not aligned with the accomplishment of my True Will. I felt at home next to the other meditatees and wondered what they were praying for in their own lives that brought them to Kali.

I love the integration of the spiritual and material in India. Watching Hindus in the temple find their deity and pray touched my heart, and I felt a deep sense of the sacred. I've always been able to sync up with other peoples religions easily asmy personal spirituality is based on love, tolerance, service, and unity through embracing diversity. I joke that I can get along with and blend with all the ecstatic spiritual paths in the world be they hare krisha, Sufi, or Franciscan. I'm a bhakti-oriented spiritual girl and the times I am happiest are when I am performing service for the greater good of the world. I would love to see inter-faith temples in each town in America - places where people from all walks of life can come, light candles, and pray. I'd love to see temples to the ideals we hold sacrosanct - liberty,equity, love, justice.. What would our country look like if every day each person lit a candle in honor of those values? How would it change our actions in daily life? I guess I'm devout in my own way. I meditate and contemplate the mysteries, try to live a tempered life in accordance with my values. I just find Truth in all religions. In a country to steeped in tradition, I wondered if the turquoise sareed. gold-bangled woman next to me, ever contemplated different truths and religious perspectives or whether she simply accepted the faith handed down to her from her parents. It's hard to know but I wanted to ask. I've read the Bhagavad-Gita but not any of the other vedas. I'm hoping to download a few once my new Kindle comes in so I can steep myself even more in the religious philosophy of India. Despite our differences in faith and perspective, I felt really close to my turquoise next door meditator for in prayer -- we were one. Heart to heart, minds focused on coming into contact with something greater than ourselves to achieve something greater than we have.

1/17/2011 Gandhi and the Bloody History of Colonialization
After spending the morning in the temple, we decided to walk a couple of miles to the Gandhi Museum. Crisscrossing our way through colorful cloth bazaars, aromatic spice markets, stinky trash piles, and clinquant trinket stands, we finally found our way to the tall white building that housed the Museum. The first half of the museum displayed the long and bloody history of India's fight for Independence from the British. It goes somethingl ike this: smart educated people in India write and speak, the people get agitated, the British kill them. Repeat for a few hundred years. Depressing yes, and inspiring too to see the faces of and read about so many brilliant freedom fighters. The second half detailed Gandhi's life. Though I knew who Gandhi was , I definitely learned more about his history and all that went into India's independence. I also was happy to learn abuot many of the other people fighting for India's freedom at the same time and their deep impact on the realization of that common dream. I have to admit I wanted to stab the eyes out of the English by the time I was done..but like all things that warrior side of me quieted down. Thank goodness I am going into law where I can put that side to good work. ;)  I thought of my conversation with a local in Saint Kitts earlier this year who told me about their fight for Independence from the British and the the British fought back there as well. In that case, the British won only to turn around and abandon the island when it became cheaper to grow sugar in Asia leaving the place destitute and after a century or so of monocropping - the soil depleted of nutrients. Nice. Colonialization..the funny thing is most of this was still happening throughout this last century. We don't think of it as recent history but in the case of India and Saint Kitts these things occurred in the last fifty years. People alive today remember those times and countries all over the world are still affected by them having been changed completely.

On tht note, the museum housed the loincloth Gandhi wore when he was assassinated, bloodstains and all. You would think this relic of history would be being treated well and cared for as befitting its historical status but like the other museum in India - its sitting in a non-climate controlled room with a non-climate controlled glass box slowly deteriorating. The historian in me wants to move it to a first world country where it can be properly cared for but the activist understands why its important to keep it in India. If I ever become a millionaire - I want to donate money to the museums of 3rd world countries so they can keep their own history but take care of it properly. I think about all the obscene wealth held by India's elite and was appalled for them at their lack of donating funds for India's clearly impoverished historical museums but I guess with so many people starving - history seems like a lofty concept in comparison to a hungry child.

And so it is.

Technology and the Nature of Attachment

Today I officially gave upon my netbook and purchased a paper journal at the Vivekenanda Rock in Kanyakumari. Getting a journal at all was a very fortuitous experience as my current travel buddy Kristi said they are very hard to find in India. I have to admit it was the first one I had seen in my travels. To catch people u on my technology saga.. I've had numerous technology problems on this trip and have had to really let go of a lot of expectation regarding access to and reliability of technology. When I started my preparation for my RTW journey, I had a great plan of focusing the journey on reading, writing, and meditating. It seemed like the perfect trifecta for personal transformation. I did my research and decided on a combination of Kindle 3G Global and Toshiba netbook so that I could fill my mind with amazing thoughts and write about them. I purchased my netbook in late December and in true Veleda fashion dropped it. : / This voided the warranty (it had a small scratch on the corner where it dropped but that is enough) and broke my netbook. After beating myself up about it for awhile, i took it to a repair shop and was told the only damage was to the LCD screen. I ordered a new screen and off I went. I've been here for two weeks and now it doesn't turn on at all. I started by simply not booting randomly though it was still mostly usable in the first week. This second week it started booting less and i would have to try to boot it for 30 or 40 times to get it to start up at all. This morning it just died the way of the dodo bird. The power light is on but the hard drive light is not. I had planned to do most of my writing on this netbook..envisioning many hours of quiet contemplation  at cute internet cafes across the world.HAHAH!! It's been a significant struggle not being able to write as I used to writing every day in order to clarify and order the flow of ideas in my internal universe. It was oddly liberating to accept the fact that things are the way the are. I could get upset and waste an entire day being upset or I could let it go and move on with creating a beautiful day for myself. Much of my experience in India has been about releasing expectations and attachment and learning to quickly return to a state of happiness after things don't go my way. Traveling the 3rd world is by no means a vacation. Nothing fully works in India: electricity, water, roads, public transport. Add to that a language barrier, a gender barrier (women are still very much 2nd class citizens in India), and a tourist barrier (people want to get all they can from you) and you get a series of insane experiences, of which, the proper and only worthwhile response is to laugh your ass off and go with the flow.

Today marks my official 2 weeks on my trip and despite all sorts of frustrations, it has been a truly glorious life changing experience. It's like pulling the blinders off of my pampered American life and seeing how things really are for many people. It's enlightening and incredible but not in the least bit relaxing. Well..the day I spent rejuvenating at Kovalam beach in Kerala was relaxing. Being a bay area girl, oceans always soothe my soul. I've accepted I have no idea what the fate of my lappy will be. Sita, my new friend from Mumbai, is calling her friends in Delhi (the biggest city next to where we will both be doing humanitarian work) to see if she can get a referral for a repair shop. We'll see if that pans out and if it does whether its even repairable. I find myself delightfully unattached. If I need to i will pay to gt a new part, get a new one, or simply fill out loads of paper journals.

So there goes part 1 of my three part plan. Writing. Luckily - I now I have a journal and it works. :)

For reading - I had purchased a Kindle 3G Global. I hopped on the plane in San Francisco on 12/31 and took out my kindle to read My Name is Red, which is the current book for my book club and much to my chagrin, it didn't work. Luckly, amazon tech support has been a dream and is sending me a new kindle..but with internal mail it is going to take a month to receive it and its quite an adventure to get it as i have to send it to one person, have someone else pick it up and fly it to the Barsana Eye Camp. I don't know what i would have done if not for the wonderful network of awesome people I have met through the humanitarian work I will be doing. So there goes reading.

Luckily - Meditation doesn't require technology and I've had lots of opportunity to meditate, pray, do ritual, and otherwise contemplate the universe.

We have a lot of expectations, often unconscious, about our lives. I thought wifi would be fairly easy to get at hotels and that internet cafes would have access to the internet (the internet goes down all the time for hours, and many cafe's have antiquated and often broken computers). This is probably themost off the grid I have been in the last 13 years of my life. It's strange and different to be so out of touch.

Communication in general has been difficult. I've finally figured out how to dial internationally on my local fun but dialing in India is quite difficult. The country is changing from 3 digit to 4 digit area codes and most of the printed material i have lists four digit area codes and most of them don't work. I find myself laughing a lot as otherwise I would be crying. In fact, I don't think I've laughed this much in ages. I was wanting to have a pina colada while at the beach to rejuvenate from the crazy and it was warm coconut milk and rum. No pineapple juice, no ice. nothing. this sums up my experience. you never know what you are going to get so you just have to learn to be happy with what comes.

I think I will come back a saint or a mad woman.

After releasing my worries about my netbook, I went to the Vivekenanda Memorial Rock and meditated in their meditation hall. It was kind of hokey with a glowing Om symbol and Vivikenanda chanting om over and over..but that is part of the Hindi way. Hindi consciousness must be seeping into my brain a bit because I prayed to Vivekananda and his Guru and line of enlightened beings to bless my trip and ease the path towards my enlightenment. I'm not so into Gurus as a concept, its a concept foreign to me as a Westerner..bu that day it seemed appropriate. I came out of the meditation hall feeling a deep sense of non-attachment and peace so something worked. When I came out, I found a journal and all has been well since.

pss: I've been accepted into U. of Illinois and Indiana. No denials yet. Neither of them have great social justice and environmental law programs..but its good to know my 'safe' schools are safe schools .. not giving up hope for Berkeley yet. Keep your fingers crossed.

--

Heart Connections -- the Tip of India

Everything about the trip to Kanyakumari was magical. We decided to take a local bus from Trivandrum so it would save us $10 whole dollars. I can live for a day on that if I'm super frugal. The public transport system in India is both awesome and definitively an epic fail. It's overcrowded, chaotic, and disorganized to the extreme but somehow everyone gets to where they need to go. People press against each other like sardines, fresh-faced inquistive teenage girls,an the ubiquitous roach here or there, hanging on for dear life as I was situated in fron of the door which was open the whole time on the curvy bumpy road...these are memories I have of this four and half hour bus ride. Oh India. You are one of a kind. Two of the teenage girls took an interest ni my Western self and we chatted in spurts throughout the bus ride. The girls liked my princess leia inspired hairdo thinking I was a lady of high fashion. I laughed thinking I was a Geek and hardly what could be called high-fashion by anyone. Still, I blushed and it felt good. I told them that that self-adornment was a universal human trait and people all across the world love to dress up. Yep, that is me trying to start a philosophical conversation with some 6th graders on a bus in India. Classic. They laughed and I pointed out their matching bangles and pink and blue outfits. And so it was throughout the bus ride. It was a total blast.

At the beginning of the ride, I had no place to put my bags as it was standing room only and they offered to put them in their area. I had a moment of hesitation as I heard of child thievery rings, but decided to take the risk. There is an old saying "trust God, tether your camel" I decided to reword it as "trust people, don't be an idiot". Most people are basically good and it comes down to trusting one's intuition (something i struggle with as a victim of abuse but which I clearly need practice on). I wonder how it feels to be a resident of a third world country and have a bunch of Westeners come and treat everyone like their a would-be thief. I'd be pretty offended. I don't want to send that kind of message to the world, I want to be an ambassador of my country showing good faith, compassion, authenticity, and a sense of humor. This doesn't mean I need to be an idiot. I should lock my luggage, not walk alone at night in dark alleyways or accept food or drink from random strangers..but it does mean being open to receiving help, connecting to different people, and treating people like people. If someone isn't trustworthy, odds are you'll have an inkling of it.

Visiting a 3,000 year old temple dedicated to Durga is just well..awesome in every way. It's living history. I lucked out and it was Tamil New Years so there were all these black, gold, and red clad Durga pilgrims in town. What a site! I haven't seen that much concentrated black since I left San Francisco. :: wink :: I loved it. After buying offerings and shuffling through the dark stone carved temple (sorry no pics allowed) through beautiful intricate colored sand drawings and carved statues, i came face to face with Kanyakumari, one of the 108 forms of Durga, and the Goddess that rules over the Southern tip of India where the three oceans meet. I gave her flowers, red cloth, nuts, oil, and fruit. I felt a bit rushed as they like to do that where everyone goes quickly through the temple, but I was satisfied. 

After leaving the Temple, I met a local woman at the bazaar who seemed to really like my black, red, and white outfit. She decided I was a devotee of Durga like her. She didn't speak much English, but I'm finding a lot can communicated between broken English and gestures. She had lived in Kanyakumari all her life, been a devotee of Durga since she was 15, survived the 2004 Tsunami (with many scars to prove it). She left for a little bit and came back and gifted me with a durga bead, similar to the one she had on a red string on her left arm.. presumably for left-hand path? It was awesome. I felt again touched by authentic connection with people in a culture so disparate from my own.

That night my heart radiated with love and I felt a strong sense of connection with this crazy country. I'm colorful, chaotic, friendly, mystical, insane, and wondrous too.

1/1/11 -- London


The first thing I want to say is that I definitely recommend a trip into London for people on the 8-hour layover. There seemed to be a difference of opinion on whether it was enough time to do anything but I found it quite sufficient. I got a daylong underground pass for 7 pounds which was handy. Due to the time crunch, I chose to spend most of my day in and around Westminister. I saw a bit of the New Years London Parada, Westminister Abbey, the House of Commons, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Victoria Monument, Hyde Park, and the Scotland Yard. As it was New Years, unfortnately, I was unable to go inside either Westminister Abbey or the House of Commons but I would have had time to choose one of those and spend a few hours there. I stopped at Alberts Taverns for some quintessential fish, chips, and ale for lunch and in the evening went to "Winter Wonderland" which is a christmas-themed temporary amusement and craft park in Hyde Park Corner where I had roasted chestnuts, peanuts, and the like. All this was fun and good, but I found myself thinking that I doubt I would go back to London as a tourist though I could see myself working in London fairly easily.

The best part of my stay in London was conversing with strangers. I met a Chicago college student who was meeting his online match girl from Russia midway in London. They were "very cute". I met a old couple of Leicester in town for the parade. Best of all I met a couple from Croyden (sp?), a suburb of London they tell me, who were on their way to Winter Wonderland and invite me. In the "It's a small world after all" theme of traveling. The man, was Hindu from Kerala, living in London, and has spent two years living in Concord, California for work a number of years back. Yes, Concord, Ca like...my home town. Hilarious. We talked about Hindu, English, and American life; the relationship of cities and suburbs, and just generally connected. It was sweet and I realized a few things about myself. Dont get me wrong, I totally loved seeing the architecture in the area but my favorite memories came from interacting with people. As I continue this journey -- keeping myself engaged in the hearing people's stories is going to be one of the key features in how I experience a country's culture.

Day 1: Mumbai

It was the easist first day and I give thanks to the soft transition I am being allowed in Mumbai. I spent the whole day in the temple. Palika, the temple mother, helped me get settled in, fed me, and made me feel warm and comfortable. I was outrageously tired so fell asleep early.

I saw the slums of Mumbai and was less shocked then I had expected given the reports. Though everything was piled several stories high

Everything screams life in glorious colors, smells, sounds, and sights.